CONGRATULATIONS!
You’re the lucky recipient of Suzanne’s 500th cover letter!
(Balloons, smiley-face emoticon, confetti)
Now, you may be asking yourself: What sort of multi-tasking, college-educated, self-starting, hard-working, experienced copywriter begins a cover letter in such a juvenile and blatantly obvious attention-seeking manner? I mean really, she didn’t even use a real smiley-face emoticon. She just typed the words, "smiley-face emoticon". This is certainly not someone I want working for my company. She probably wrote this in ketchup-stained pajamas at three in the afternoon while wearing fuzzy bunny slippers. I bet she didn’t even brush her teeth.
Well, you’re wrong. I don’t own fuzzy bunny slippers. I had to barter them for some Ramen noodles with the Korean Deli guy down the block.
You see, I’m seizing the whole, laid-off-in-a-bad-job-market thing to try to realize my dream of making oodles of money while sitting at home and catching up on Days of our Lives. So far I've only been able to do the latter, but with your help I'm sure I can do the former.
Reasons you should hire me:
1. I’ve written for a very well known fashion blog.
2. I composed all the website copy, catalog copy, press release copy, and back cover copy for my former employer (may he rot in hell).
3. I can read minds.
Right now you’re thinking, “Sure, she can write. Sure, she's very qualified. Sure, she's so desperate for work that we can probably pay her with Kathy Lee Gifford CDs and four day old sushi, but that other guy knows SEO. Plus, he has way more experience.
Yeah, that other guy?
He steals office supplies. He also makes Revolutionary War figurines out of his belly button lint. You don’t want that guy. I’m way better than that guy.
I make fuzzy bunny slippers out of mine.
